“Sleeping with other people”
A catchy title for a movie I must admit, but a story I found to be quite deceiving.
You see, I’m not opposed to non-monogamy for as long as it doesn’t violate the main premise of transparency and mutual respect in open relationships.
And yet, this movie sent me on a tail spin and stirred up some unpleasant feelings buried somewhere in a forsaken ‘unwanted memories’ department…
What’s the big deal might you ask?
Well, in this movie, two adults who once had a one-night stand in high school, are reunited 12 years later and decide to stay friends despite their obvious attraction to one another. They hang out day and night and talk about their multiple sexual encounters; He talks about the women in his life and she’d reveal what she did with other men or would do, using sexually explicit language.
Like a good Samaritan that he is, he insisted in one of the scenes on demonstrating with an empty bottle of Ice Tea how a woman can achieve orgasm (Ladies, don’t miss that part).
In another scene while they’re out shopping, he’s patiently waiting by the fitting room recounting his latest sexual exploits, when suddenly she pops out wearing a lingerie set and delights his senses with a seductive show.
Mind you, all that is happening between them as “best friends” while he’s adamantly pursuing a relationship with a single mom and colleague from work who eventually gave in to his romantic advances and brought him into her toddler’s life, only for this relationship to end abruptly in few months causing damage and heartbreak because of… you guessed it.
And here’s the puzzle:
When I’m around my guy best friend, would it be “normal” to flaunt my figure scantily dressed, talk about sex constantly and send emotionally loaded vibes? When does a platonic friendship turn into a quasi-romantic relationship with a man we call “best friend”?
What if my best friend is already in a relationship? How would my constant presence in his life affect him and his partner? How would his partner feel about this whole ménage-a- trois?
My thoughts then wandered to Mr. A (refer to my last published piece) who had (may still have) a best friend called Cruella with whom he used to spend days and nights before I met him; She played her seduction game under the guise of an innocent playful “passe-temps” and he was so mesmerized that he used to write about his feelings towards her in his diaries on daily/nightly basis, not to mention the photos he saved in a secret folder…
When I met him, she had moved to another country but would tirelessly seek his attention day and night. It was like a long-distance relationship with constant skyping and texting, but mostly done in secret. Or at least they both thought it was all a secret to me…
Sadly, she was the proverbial snake lurking in the background playing all sorts of mind games; I wanted to meet her in person just to put my mind to ease about her real intentions; I wanted to prove me wrong and find a good person in her, but she betrayed herself many times when I discovered her manipulative stunts…
Texting at 1am in the morning, thinking he’d be alone at the time.
Begging him to meet her in a foreign country, just the two of them for some fun.
Convincing him to switch apps so that I don’t discover or see the chats.
And when she felt that she was losing her ‘grip’ on him, she went for the kill and bombarded him with her philosophy of a “happy” life without the shackles of a relationship.
And before long, he followed her advice and she “congratulated” him on his brave move.
Have you even been in a situation like that? You see, those things happened “under” my nose and I was unable to explain them at the time. I couldn’t broach the subject easily because he would pull the “trust” card, become defensive and made me question my sanity.
Relationship experts call it cheating (Micro Cheating to be precise), where a partner shares an intimate and emotional connection with someone other than his/her partner and engages in an on-going narrative or text thread with someone, talking about life and feelings.
My questions to all the readers are:
1- Where do we draw the line if we know that our partner is “Micro Cheating”?
2- Do we express our concern and if so, when does it qualify as being insecure?
3- What if the other person is pushing his/her boundaries with our partner and is taking up emotional real estate that he/she shouldn’t occupy?
Alas, I’ve not met or heard of anyone yet who can claim mastery over this complex matter and who could offer a “one size fits all” solution but until then ladies and gentlemen, beware of snakes and rodents in your partners’ lives and lookout for signs of hidden folders…
